American Idol Season 9 premiere: Gosh, I miss Paula

Where in the world was Ellen?  Ellen is off to a terrible start as the newest American Idol judge.   She was a "no show" and we were stuck with Posh Spice.

 

  If the camera adds 10 pounds, Poshey Spice must be invisible off camera.  Give the woman some protein!   First things first…yeah yeah I knew all about Simon leaving.  I knew that last May, sillies, when I did some serious investigative reporting.  I didn’t have the heart to be the one to break the news to all of you, so I kept my mouth shut (rare I know).   I’ll say it right now as some of you have written me personally asking me what I think of Simon leaving and will I continue to post about American Idol after he is gone? I already knew he was outta here so I’ve grieved that loss awhile ago. It was predictable and it sucks. Will I continue to post about American Idol after he is gone? No way, Jose. I’ll be following Simon wherever he may go. Simon IS American Idol and there are some people who are simply irreplaceable. I’ll be blogging about the X Factor, that's a fact.   Second things second: WHERE THE HELL WAS ELLEN? America was waiting for Ellen. My sources tell me we won't be seeing Ellen until AFTER the auditions so get ready for guest judges that will include Mary J. Blige, Joe Jonas and Shania Twain. Third things third: I missed Paula. I was homesick for Paula. It was nowhere near the same without Paula. And Randy sitting next to Simon? No chemistry there. 

Bobblehead Kara was there and I swear she is EVEN MORE of a Bobblehead.  This is one serious addiction and we may need to talk about having an Intervention.  Is Dr. Drew in the house?

18 contestants got the coveted pass to move on to the auditions in Hollywood.  

FIRST CONTESTANT: Some girl in a Pepto Bismal pink shirt who is in bad need of a longer T-shirt (anyone see that Curb your Enthusiasm episode? If so, you know exactly what I’m talking about). Thank God after a diligent search on the Internet, I couldn’t find a picture of her. You owe me big time. American Idol producers…are you kidding me?  Are you serious?  After all that huge big enormous build up…Americal Idol starts with her?  I had serious doubts when that girl came on.  It’s not a good sign when I have to start out my American Idol Season 9 Premiere with an upset stomach and a cold hand towel on my forehead.

Maddy Curtis: Well, here’s a heart-warming story about a 16-year-old singer whose family adopted a Down’s syndrome kid (Quick Public Service Message:  Check out the book Expecting Adam, an excellent memoir about expecting a Down Syndrome child).  Maddy had a pleasant voice singing "Hallelujah"…an unfortunate trigger for me given my repressive fundamentalist past.  My nauseousness continued as she moved on to Hollywood.

 Some Vinny Italiano guy.  I’m getting hungry just looking at him.  He has a name that sounds made up:  Amadeo Barroco.  His name is making me hungry.  This Vinny guy is very likeable with a blasé voice.   Simon must be hungry too or getting soft since it’s his last season and he wants to leave with a kinder and gentler impression.  He likes him.

Bobblehead is now doing an Italian version of bobble head, bobbing and clicking her tongue with approval.  Schmaltzy.  Amadeo is going to Hollywood.

 BoDerek (aka Derek Hilton):  A spiritual kid who's been putting out singing intentions to the Universe.  This kid needs a reality check and Proactiv.  Bo is not going to Hollywood.

To add insult to injury, Bo is followed by a series of sad and sobbing singers.  “THIS MEAN’T EVERYTHING TO ME!” they howled as they were rejected and realized that their lives were going to go all downhill from there.  These kids need some Kleenex.

Mary, Japanese fashionita:  Mary doesn’t want to be an American Idol, she wants to be a Japanese Idol.  As soon as I saw her I knew she was going to be bad.  I was surprisingly wrong.  She was horrendous.  Ensuing dialogue:

Randy: “Yo, dog.  Singing is not your thing.”

Japanese Fashionita:  SINGING IS MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!

Randy: “Yo, dog.  Singing is not your thing.”

Japanese Fashionita:  SINGING IS MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I LOVE TO SING!  I WOULD LOVE ANOTHER CHANCE!!!!!!”

Simon:  “I would love to fly to the moon but I can’t.  Well, actually I could.”  A priceless and classic Simon line…could be the best line of the evening.

Japanese Fashionita is on the next plane to Tokyo.

 

Luke Shaffer:  A tease of a guy with Paul Newman blue eyes and a good voice.  Bobble and Skin and Bones are red-faced and all aglow hearing him sing.  He’s catching a ride to the Coast.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Andrew Finland:  OK, did this guy creep you out or what?  Seriously, his eyes alone were enough to creep me out.  I don’t like scary movies and the looks of this guy is the reason why.  He reminds me of someone...there's something so familiar.  Oh yes...

 

Andrew is going to the local mental ward.

Kara may need to accompany him. She cooed to him,  “You need a spanking…you’re being naught.”  Squirm, bobble, squirm, bobble.  Kara is even scarier. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ashley Rodriquez:  Great voice.  Great look.  Ashley needs to get an agent.  Randy says he is “2 millions, 5 hundred katrillion pagillion, quadrillion infinity forever and ever amen positive she is going to Hollywood.”  The other judges agreed.

 

Tyler Grady:  Poor Tyler fell from a tree and shattered both wrists.  I was highly skeptical and the question screaming in my head was, “What was Tyler ON when he fell from the tree?”  Turns out it didn't matter.  He sang, “Let’s Get It On” in a manner reminiscent of Jim Morrison.  I swear I said this out loud way before Randy did.  This kid was good and we're gonna see a lot more of him.

 

Mike Davis:  Mike is a serious actor on the tourist speed boat Codzilla.  He may be going to Hollywood but he’ll be returning shortly for this highly visible gig.  You just can’t buy advertising like that.

 

 

 

Katie Stevens:  Katie comes from a large Portuguese family and is very close to her grandma who has Alzheimer’s.  Grandma has the face of an angel and Stevens has the voice of a pro…mature, smoky and sultry and only 16 years old.  Katie is a keeper.

 

Joshua Blaylock:  A 28 year old with a refreshing presence and good voice.  Simon who is now at his best says, “Yeah, that voice would be great if you were 14.  You have no presence, no power, no originality, and unfortunately, totally forgettable.”  Vintage Simon!  An impromptu assertiveness training session was given to Joshua.  Turns out that Simon was only messing with him. Joshua is tearful, I’m tearful, and my God, is that a hint of moisture in Simon’s eyes?  Good God, there is a God after all.

 

Justin Williams:  Justin tears at our hearts because he got cancer when he was 20. He has a gentle smooth voice with a hint of seduction matched with great eye contact.  I swear he was flirting with Simon and Simon seemed to be having a moment with him!  Justin survived cancer, and now he’s survived Simon.  On to Hollywood.

 

Norberto Guerrero:  A reject from Cats, the musical.  Simon:  “The whole thing, even the fact that you were singing like that with a beard made it even more strange.  You sing like a 3-year-old girl and dress like Latoya Jackson…weird, just weird".  Norberto left to go join Andrew Finland.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bosa Mora:  Whoa…Bosa’s mom needs to lose the gargantuan orange thingy on her head. Listening to Bosa, Kara was in a trance and Simon wisely found it dull.  Twiggy tried to bait Simon into a fight condemning him for rolling his eyes.  Simon’s reply:  He rolled his eyes.  Bosa is going to Bollywood.

 

 

SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST:  

 

Leah Laurenti: 22 year-old who knocked everyone’s socks off with her rendition of “Blue Skies”.  Lea has an innocence that’s refreshing and a voice gorgeous. Seriously, if she had a single, I’d have downloaded it on my Ipod tonight.  Randy said, “Best I’ve seen in Boston”.   She’s gonna be a lot of bests in the weeks to come. 

 

 

Just to give you a heads up boys and girls, you’re on your own tomorrow night.  I don’t want you to get too sick of me this early in the season…a very very looooooooooooooong season.  I’m already sick of myself.  And if you think you’re already sick of me, think of how sick you’re gonna be of KARA!  We’ll all be going to the mental ward.

 

 

 

 

 

*MARK YOUR CALENDARS: ADAM LAMBERT WILL BE OPRAH’S GUEST ON JAN. 19.