American Idol: La La land audition edition

The American Idol stage.

Did last week fly by or what?  This is Your American Idol Recap…LA style.  Is it me or were the LA auditions even more tedious than the Chicago Snoresville auditions?  I didn’t think this was possible, but alas, it was.

You would think LA would have a ridiculous amount of great talent, given the tens of thousands of wannabe celebrities who move there annually to try to get that one big break to stardom and fifteen minutes of fame.

These AI producers are either big teases or completely unimaginative, cuz these auditions are getting really old really fast. Let’s face it. Everyone pretty much hates these auditions…a necessary evil before the real American Idol begins in earnest in Hollywood on February 9^th.

I’ll let the cat out of the bag and tell you right now that the most entertaining part of the LA auditions was Kate Perry, one of the guest judges. 

“Kate Perry?” you ask.  Yeah, I said the same thing until I found out that she sang that catchy but disturbing song, “I Kissed A Girl, I Kissed A Girl, And I Liked It”…a song originating from a Girls Gone Wild weekend in Ft. Lauderdale during spring break. 

More about Kate later.

The first guest judge was Avril Lavigne.  “Avril Lavigne?” you ask.  Yeah, I said the same thing until I found out that she sang, “Hey, Hey, You You, I Don’t Like Your Girlfriend!”  I still don’t have a clue who she is.

Avril showed up in a blue hoodie with devil horns staring at the cameras muttering, “Oh wow, auditioning would be realllllllllly hard.”  After that I had a hard time understanding her between her stammering, wincing, chewing on her gum and looking at her watch.

11,000 hopefuls (these people were extreme optimists) turned out to see if they would be garnishing one of the 22 spots that would eventually be handed out as the golden passes to Hollywood. The first contestant, Neil Goldstein, who boasted an IQ of 168, was sweating up a storm and swore that he was the next American Idol and he wasn’t taking no for an answer.  Brilliant.  Simon threatened to get an escort. 

Avril is rolling her eyes thinking, “This is sooooooooooooo way harder than I thought it would be.”  Chomp. Chomp.  Swallow.  Yikes, she just swallowed her gum.  This is not a good message to send to the youth of America.

Jim Ranger:  Worship Pastor.  Way too much material here but then I might come off as bitter and anti-churchey and we wouldn’t want that.  Pastor Jim’s voice was decent enough and he’s going to Hollywood, Bible safely in hand.

I will not even trouble you with the endless descriptions of terrible, horrible, no good, very bad singers that streamed across the stage.  Talk about a bad day!

Mary Powers:  Mary is a wannabee rocker who brought along her 8-year-old creepy demon daughter.  Seriously, that kid had a Linda Blair look in her eyes.  I know I’m never supposed to say anything like that about a child, but there were suddenly kids everywhere and I was having traumatic flashbacks of when I had four children under the age of 6.  I am not watching American Idol to watch kids!  I’m so over kids.  And there were annoying clips of kids saying annoyingly creepy things that adults are supposed to find adorable.  Things like a creepy little kid saying,  “That song was crap” and the parents clapped their hands with glee because they thought their crappy creepy kid was so clever.

American Idol turned into Romper Room exorcist style and I was frantically searching for my blankie.

Back to wannabee rocker with strange daughter who wanted to meet Simon, only to give him the evil eye.  Simon was reticent but gave his nod to Mom to dump kid off at Disneyland (I suggest permanently) and go to Hollywood.

Day Two:  More desperate untalented people, a total of another 10,000 or so.  There is no shortage of god awful people.

Thank God for Katy Perry.  And speaking of God and Katy, a quick American Idol What Not:  Katy was raised by two born again pastors and was not allowed to listen to secular music growing up.  Well, she certainly is showing Mom and Dad isn’t she with her lesbian song and low cut red sassy dress!

To copycat Randy, that Katy was the BOMB! She was opinionated and the likes of Kara and Simon weren’t going to intimidate her for one second. Upon learning the judges were arriving by helicopter, environmentally conscious Katy rolled her eyes and said, “That is ridiculous!” 

However, she was a little scared of one Austin Fulmer…a Mick Jagger wannabee on steroids except with a really bad voice. 

Simon says, “That is one disturbed man.”  Katy is wide-eyed and looks scared. Kate’s classic line:  “Are these people frisked before they come in here?” Katy inched a little closer to Simon.  Simon played coy but you could see the excitement in his…eyes.  Simon is a cradle robber.

LA begins to lose it, as we are witness to more crying, sobbing, devastation, wiping of eyes, noses, shock and dismay.  And that all came from Kara who realized she was being upstaged by the Lady in Red whipper snapper of a girl who had no problem disagreeing with her on more than one occasion.

Andrew Garcia:  Andrew’s compelling story was that his parents were involved in gangs growing up.  Andrew’s parents got out of gangs, moved into safer suburbs for their kids and dad is crying gratefully thinking of Andrew trying out for American Idol instead of being doomed to a life as a gangsta rapper.  I’m concerned I’ve suddenly become a sociopath because I felt nothing and instead got sudden urges for milk and cookies.

Tasha Layton:  Tasha is a personal assistant by day and a minister by night.  A minister by night?  Is this a new PC way of saying hooker?  I need an immediate explanation.  I don’t get one but she is going to Hollywood so the mystery will be solved soon enough.

Jason Green:  Do we really want to go there with Jason Green who sang, “I Touch Myself” while he was touching himself and flirting simultaneously with Simon, Katy and Kara?  This kid is multi-dimensional.  Kara, for some inexplicable reason, goes into full on BOBBLE head and BOBBLE body mode.  She leans forward saying to Jason with full puckered lips, “I believe you, I believe you”.

At this point, Katy points at Kara and says, “Is she talking to a puppy or a person?”  Roll of the eyes.  Kara looks like she is in heat.

CAT FIGHT! 

The claws come out between Kara and Katy.  Kate turns away from Kara declaring, “I’ll have to throw my Coke in your face.”

Lose Kara and hire Katy!  I sense the added bonus of potential chemistry between Katy and Ellen, especially if Katy ever sings that Kiss the Girls song.

FINALLY, American Idol is getting interesting!

Chris Golightly:  Poor Chris.  He’s a foster kid who has lived with 25 different families.  Chris has a decent enough voice, but Kate is not impressed while predictably Kara loves him, he’s one of her favorites.  “Wow, you’re the kind of kid that has just enough talent, story, pain in your life…to really connect to people.”

Katy admonishes Kara, “This is not a Lifetime movie sweetheart.  You have to have talent.”  Katy is harsh and being disrespectful to her elder.  Kara has gone beyond being in heat to full blast inferno.

What?  The show is over?  Just when it was getting good and you’d swear that hair was going to be pulled and clothes ripped off.  Every male in America was severely disappointed.

Tonight night, American Idol is in Texas. Texas, the state that boasts itself as home to the former President of the United States, Dallas Cowboys and JR Ewing. That should be a real winner.