What a gas: The greatest column ever written!

Hamburg Township Deputy Clerk Michael Zeglevski, who inspired the Greatest Column Ever Written.

As a journalist, this has been one of the best years I've ever had. (Well, aside from the fact that I got laid off after spending 26 years at the same newspaper, if you want to be picky about it...)

Seriously, though, most journalists would kill for a year like this. Well, maybe they wouldn't exactly kill. That's probably too strong. That would require them to actually get out of the office and expend some energy, and they wouldn't want to do that.

If there was a way they could just sit at their computer and kill without having to stand up or something, they might consider it, but otherwise, they'd probably have to pass. So let's just say that most journalists would be really happy if they had a year like this.

In any case, in two big newspaper contests this year, I was named the best news columnist in the state for my work at the Livingston County Daily Press & Argus (among newspapers with a similar circulation).

Back in April, I won first place in the Best News Column category in the Michigan Associated Press Editorial Association contest. Then in early October, I also took first place for column writing in the Michigan Press Association's Better Newspaper Contest. Since getting booted out by the newspaper, I'm 2-for-2.

Now, you might think I'm feeling pretty darn full of myself because of this. You might think I'm bursting with pride because the powers that be have finally recognized what an incredibly talented journalist I am. You might think I'm looking into buying a bigger trophy case to handle all of these awards.

Well, you'd be wrong. If I had won these prestigious honors for a brilliant piece of journalism, things might be different. But do you want to know what my award-winning column was all about?

Farts.

That's right, farts. Air biscuits. One-cheek sneaks. Barking spiders. The backdoor trumpet.

Farts.

After 26 years, I have a body of work that includes in-depth essays about politics and education; I've written investigative pieces about crooked businesses and governmental waste; I've hammered out hard-hitting editorials about legislative priorities and judicial misconduct. And of all that, what piece of work has garnered the most acclaim?

A column about farts.

Yes, I'm so proud I can hardly stand myself. Woodward and Bernstein had Watergate. I have my fart column. Let's call it even.

The Greatest Piece of Journalism Ever Created was published in December of 2008. The topic was (of course) the Hamburg Township Board of Trustees, and its ongoing battle with Clerk Matt Skiba.

Skiba, you will remember, has been making headlines (and not in a good way) since his election last November. He's up for recall in a couple weeks, but long before that process began, Skiba was under fire for hiring a guy named Michael Zeglevski to be his deputy clerk. Since he was new to the office, Skiba needed to hire a crackerjack deputy; someone who could show him the ropes and help him succeed.

Well, after conducting an exhaustive national search — and you're not going to BELIEVE this coincidence — Matt Skiba discovered that the best person for the job was his very own campaign manager, Michael Zeglevski. Amazing!

This selection did not sit well with some members of the Hamburg Township populace, however, who said that Zeglevski had been guilty of some troubling behavior at public meetings.

This is how I described it in my award-winning column:

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"As the board was discussing Zeglevski's impressive resume and qualifications, one member of the audience - a man named Tom Walsh, who apparently doesn't like Deputy Clerk Zeglevski very much - said that Zeglevski had displayed some peculiar behavior at a previous board meeting.

"Walsh's exact quote was this: 'I've seen him lift his leg and fart on people.'

"With that, history was made. At long last, after decades of working toward this elusive goal, the Hamburg Township Board of Trustees was finally able to break the fart barrier. Hallelujah!

"As for the reason behind Mr. Zeglevski's alleged passing of gas, this was supposedly done in response to something that was said at this particular meeting that he disagreed with. Evidently, when the offensive remark was uttered, rather than just standing up and saying, 'Excuse me, but I disagree with what you're saying,' Mr. Zeglevski apparently decided that a better course of action would be just to lift his leg and let one fly.

"Bravo, Mr. Zeglevski. Well played."

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Yes, you can see why the judges were so impressed with my writing. Nobody in the history of journalism has ever been able to weave the topics of local government and flatulence together in such impressive fashion. It's a gift.

I'm thinking that what's going to happen next is that I'm going to start receiving invitations to college journalism schools across the country, all of them asking me to speak to their students on how to write really good columns about farts. I can't wait.

Sigh. I suppose that instead of bemoaning the fact that I won some awards for this, I should just be happy about it. After all, an award is an award, right? Marisa Tomei won an Oscar for "My Cousin Vinny," so I guess I shouldn't complain about winning a couple prestigious journalism awards for a fart column.

In fact, I think I'm going to go out and celebrate. I'm going to head out to the bar and raise a toast to myself.

Nah. That would mean I would have to get up out of this chair. Forget it.

Buddy Moorehouse is the publisher of Livingstontalk.com. You can e-mail him at buddy@livingstontalk.com.

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Buddy Moorehouse's column is sponsored by: PJ's Hot Dogs LLC. Serving wienies since '01. Visit us Saturdays at the Howell Tractor Supply, at www.PJsHotDogs.com, or call 517-861-6628.

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